ew...anxiety

ANXIETY

What comes to your mind when you first see that word? Let me guess, none of them are positive. You immediately think of the things that make you anxious. It might be school, relationships around you, the future, etc.

For me, anxiety has been something that I have struggled with my whole life. When I was younger, I would always become worried about going to the dentist. I always thought of the worst-case scenario. My mom wouldn't tell me until the morning of the appointment because of how emotional and worried I would get. As I got older, the only thing that would calm me is knowing that Jesus is with me and nothing bad is going to happen to me. This gave me a lot of peace. 

About 8 years later here I am. I'm 20 years old struggling with daily anxious thoughts, panic attacks, and my relationship with God. 

December 2021 - This was the start of the worst anxiety I had ever felt. I was struggling with getting up and out of bed. I struggled to stay in bed. I didn't know how to live anymore. I was just trying to survive. When people say they are struggling with anxiety, a great piece of advice to never say is: don't be anxious, you have nothing to be anxious about, trust God more, pray, etc. Probably all the things you might say to an anxious person. I was going through a storm. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. I started therapy and medication. I went sleepless nights. I would wake up shaking and could only stop when my mother held me still. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I read my bible constantly because it was the only time I wouldn't cry. I couldn't get a handle on my emotions and life. Eventually, I had a breakthrough. I let go of the control I had over my life and I let God.  

August 2022 - I started a new relationship with this guy a couple months ago (I will write a whole post on this). It's been going great but, I recently put up walls from a serious conversation we had talking about our future. I got scared, really scared. All the fear made me shut him out, my family, and God. I wasn't sharing my emotions. My heart was hardened to everything. I didn't want to get hurt. I started waking up with a racing heart rate, couldn't sleep, felt the need to stay busy, very insecure. I was going into a downward spiral that felt too familiar. I still was reading my bible, in fellowship, and praying, but none of it was helping. Last Saturday my anxiety woke me up shaking and crying. I was in such mental pain. I didn't know if I could even get through the day. I survived, thank God!

At church this Sunday, we have been discussing loneliness. God SPOKE. Loneliness is something we will always experience until we go to Heaven. To have God in our lives is a guarantee we will never be lonely again. It doesn't matter how many friends we have here on Earth, our soul longs for our Creator. We can live by giving joy so that the feeling of loneliness doesn't dominate us. 

When I was in therapy, the one thing we always worked on was staying true to who I am. Well, recently I wasn't staying true to who I am and who God calls me to be. God made me this way. He calls me to be authentic and have meaningful relationships. I thrive in relationships where I can be vulnerable and where someone reciprocates this. My dating relationship started off thriving but my fear made me close up. I felt the relationship dying because I cut off my heart to it completely. There is a fear of being open with others but, to grow any relationship, you need to be vulnerable. When you welcome people into your brokenness, your relationships blossom. I was yet again trying to control my life. I had to remind myself that God is the only answer for our anxiety because He controls everything including our future. So instead of searching for certainty in all the wrong places, we should always be seeking God and His word.

God is SO GOOD! I just wanted to share my struggles and something I've found healing. I have to remind myself of the truth. I have to fill my mind with worship. I have to make the choice daily. 

xo Cass